Godspousery Notes: What am I doing, again?

Here is a more personal post. I don’t talk about this aspect of my life very much. There are two reasons for this. One is because I honestly don’t know how to talk about it. The other is the fact that I worry that I am doing this all wrong and I am going to face horrific reprisals for doing so. I have some things I tend to get a bit timid about. One of them is my romantic life. Still, I have two deities looking at me expectantly and wondering why I haven’t really written much of anything before now. So, I am composing this post.

It was about three in the afternoon today when Freyr said to me, “Why don’t you write about me? Not about what I do. Not about who I am ‘officially’ but me, as you know me?” I felt some chagrin over the fact that I had been so quiet about this. The circle of friends who know about this relationship is fairly small. And here I am posting this for the whole world to read, what can go wrong, eh? I don’t discuss this much with Beloved (this is my mortal husband who has been by my side for over 30 years as best friend and partner in crime) because he is very … hands off when it comes to deities. He is of the opinion that they can do their thing so long as he is not involved and it doesn’t create problems between him, myself, and my ability to keep up with my responsibilities.

Polyamory is a bit of work. Polyamory involving deities and an incarnate spouse gets weird at times. I tend to be a ball of anxiety half the time, thus I worry that I am offending someone or being an inconvenience on a regular basis. It happens pretty regularly that someone takes a hold of me and scrapes me off of the proverbial ceiling by talking me out of my panic. Some people say that Freyr is kindly and gentle. He is quite often. But, he is also stern and harsh when it is necessary. Of late, there has been more sternness. I, however, have also not been thinking very clearly and needed that sense of direction fairly often.

I’ve had a few people ask me is he around all the time. It is something like around 70% during the ‘off’ season and closer to 40% during the ‘on’ season when agriculture is going full bore around here. Some people have wondered if the gods stay in a specific area or something like that when they are here. That is not something that happens. My home is open to them. It is theirs as well. Beloved grumbles a bit about how Loki is around damn near all the time. At the same time, they’re not always here. Loki’s around a lot, but it is frequently around the time when my whole family is here. (He finds the kids charming and entertaining. And he enjoys the opportunity to needle my husband when it arises.)

Freyr is here in the mornings and in the evenings. Sometimes he is here during the day, but he often seems to be multitasking when he does so. The ‘off’ season has him here more often and I get the distinct impression that he is resting some after a great deal of hard work. Which only makes sense considering how much work agriculture is and then all of the other things he manages on top of it. We take walks together, when I am well and the weather cooperates. He is always walking at my right side. When I am walking, I’ve noticed that people tend to avoid walking on my right side when Freyr’s presence is particularly strong.

He appears in different guises over the seasons, and when the mood strikes him. Freyr most often is presenting in rather casual clothes, looking as though he is ready to go out and work in the fields or cut wood. I’m pretty sure it is more than just something he does to make me smile. He is always encouraging me to be as honest with myself as I can be, including up to how I choose to present myself to the world. He expresses a preference for me to be comfortable and happy, occasionally getting a bit annoyed when I worry about if I am fashionable. He is amused with my minor bit of vanity about my hair.

I worry about people saying that I’m a bored housewife who has become lost in fantasy and has an invisible boyfriend. They look at me when I bring up that worry and ask me if I have really decided that I am crazy now. Or they will give me very … direct signs. Like the day where I was panicking that I was never going to really write anything worthwhile again and seriously considering giving up, basically convinced that all of this and my dreams and aspirations were just pure fiction and delusions. Cue my running into someone who looked pretty much identical to how Freyr did when he showed up earlier in the day, wearing a black t-shirt with white bold print that read: Are you really going to give up on your dreams?

I have days where I get anxious and I have a lot of mental noise in the way for how I connect with them. They find a way to reach through all of that and get my attention. I am thankful for it. Sometimes it is a rather dramatic thing. Usually it is something relatively small, but deeply meaningful. I am slowly getting the message that there is no ‘correct’ way to do this. All that they ask is that I love them, which I do a great deal, and that I treat myself well, and love my family. All the rest that comes along is icing on the cake.

Originally Published: 11/29/16

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