I apologize for my recent absence. I was hospitalized a short while back due to complications with my bipolar. I honestly have spotty recollection of things due to how badly I was doing and the way my medications had been adjusted on a daily basis, it seemed. It was very difficult for me to reach out for help when I hit rock bottom. Thankfully, Beloved was right here and he helped me get the help I needed.
I’ve been home from the hospital for almost a week now. I am not yet at full health, though I am vastly improved from where I was at when I went in to the hospital two weeks ago. Feeling mildly depressed and somewhat anxious is an enormously positive difference when compared to being suicidal and having hallucinations. Looking back over the last several months, I can see how things came to that point and I honestly don’t know what I can do to prevent it from happening in the future. That scares me. The idea that I am going to get sick like that again at some point in the future (and given how things have been over the last several years there is a good chance it will happen within the next year or two after I acclimate to my medications) is something that frightens me.
I’ve seen a good number of memes flying around Facebook that present mental illness as something romantic or like some kind of superpower. It is a mindset that I find fundamentally disturbing. It tells me that I should be thankful for what is, honestly, pure torment and a daily fight to hold on to my sanity. It tells me that if I’m struggling, it is because I haven’t fully accepted the ‘blessing’ of my illness. This attitude that disability is something that can be transformed into an advantage with the right attitude is just as damning as the one that says that disability makes a person fundamentally worthless. Seeing these memes around on the internet makes me very wary about doing much with social media. Because that sort of thing is toxic and does not bode well for my recovery.
It is hard enough when you question your sanity everyday because you have been gaslighted into thinking you are fundamentally untrustworthy, regardless of how you bear yourself and hold true to your convictions. Striving to do that and then reality test everything because you’re not sure what your experiencing is correct for what you have on the basis of the proliferation of these memes just serves to dig the hole you’re stuck in deeper. (I need to clarify, the gaslighting happened during my formative years and I haven’t yet managed to deprogram myself from it. It colors everything.)
So, I am working to restrict the stuff I deal with on the internet to things that will promote my health and wellness. I am not entirely sure how this is going to manifest in my future posting here. I do know, however, that I am going to keep this blog running. I honestly don’t know if I am going to get back to the daily posting schedule. While I would like to do so, I don’t know if that is going to be too much for me right now. My anxiety is making even this post difficult.
Moving forward, I am going to attempt to provide some solid, in depth information for other folks who practice witchcraft or pagan faiths and are struggling with mental illness as well. It is hard when your faith practice gets a few raised eyebrows when it is mentioned in passing. It is even harder when you have people openly questioning your sanity on the basis of your mental health history and faith practices. I wish I could say that my knowledge about being in that position came from academic study, but it really isn’t the case. I’ve personally experienced slighting from professionals in the medical industry even as I have received such scorn from some people who were once very close to me. My personal experiences are obviously going to be very different from those of someone else. But it is my hope that in sharing them and my observations, I can make sense of what I have experienced and I can help at least one other person out there feel like they’re not alone and they’re not crazy for their beliefs.
I will still be doing my academic style posts regarding various topics. I have a whole list of divination oriented ones to write up. (If I can manage it, I will have the first of them up on Monday.) I am also working on getting a few books finished up that deal with Filianic topics. The Southern Hemisphere edition of A Year With Dea (a daybook of meditations) will be ready early Summer (provided I can get everything back on track). I have a book of mystic visions and such that I am nearly ready to send off to press. I want to say it will be available for purchase next month, but it depends on how things go with the publishing house I’m working with.
To you, my readers, I want to say thank you. Thank you really is rather paltry next to what I feel. I am immensely grateful for your support and readership. When the depression and anxiety tell me that my writing is a useless exercise, I find someone has read one of my posts or I have encouraged someone to look into new and interesting ways to grow in their spirituality. The fact that my writing makes a difference to you is what motivates me to keep going when all of the garbage in my head from my illness tells me to stop. Thank you.