It has now been over a year since I heard Dea’s voice or seen a direct sign of her presence. To say that I feel disheartened really isn’t strong enough to express it. As a result of this, I have been struggling in my devotional journal and other writing. I have my book of visions that is painful to work on right now. I look at this stuff and I see how easily contact happened. I despair that it has passed and that I have become useless in her eyes. I feel cut off from the source and that my reserves are near empty.
Once, I heard it said that the vessel must be emptied before it can be filled. I tell myself that this is what has been happening. I struggle with the fear that there is nothing more to come and that the last shining sense of her in this world is going to fade away. I didn’t realize how much of a mother figure Dea had become for me. I didn’t realize how much I came to depend on her. I didn’t realize how much she comforted and soothed me through my struggles. I don’t know where to go from here.
A long, difficult year of prayer has left me feeling utterly worn out. I find myself frequently ready to weep over this. I don’t think there is a coincidence here that the Norse gods have stepped closer to me. I have wept at Freyr’s breast over the awful feeling of abandonment that comes over me when I think of the distance. He holds me tenderly, kisses away my tears, and tells me that I am not abandoned, she is only silent. I struggle so hard with that feeling of abandonment. I know it is something that comes entirely from within me.
At the same time all of this is unfurling, I have been pushed into doing more ‘shadow’ work. I find myself struggling with all of the painful effects of the past traumas I have experienced and I come away from it tasting my tears and the bitter ashes of the past in my mouth. I go through my day desperately trying to avoid dwelling upon the bloody mass that is my past. Some days, I can act as though it is not there. Others, however, I find myself seeing it in everything I do. And I grieve and stumble forward. I honestly don’t know if I am making progress anymore.
I don’t talk about it because I worry about people having all the howling hatred that have been dumped upon others for daring to speak of it. But, I have reached a point where continuing my silence is becoming painful. Torn between the pain of Dea’s silence, the pain of my past, and the pain of keeping silence for fear of reprisal, I have been miserable over the last several months. Thus, I will alleviate the one pain that I can.
I alluded to this a while back and then let the matter go. I tried in my efforts to make this an educational blog to steer things away from this. I realized, last night, that in doing so, I was treading perilously close to losing the core reason for blogging here. Yes, I want to educate people. I want to assist them in finding their way through the often confusing world of magic. I want to remove the stigma attached to spiritwork . I want to share the blessings that I have in my life from the gods.
Fear, however, snuck in and left me where I lost a good two thirds of my focus. This was part of the reason why I was having a hard time coming up with new material to post. Having a ton of distractions really was just a cover for my running in circles over this stuff. I had a long conversation with the gods last night when I was dreamwalking. I was asked directly if I was ashamed of them and if that was the reason for my silence. When I answered that I wasn’t, we then started to dismantle what exactly was stopping me.
It was a hard conversation. Odin, Loki, Freyr, and Freyja sat with me at a round table. We all had something to drink. It changed as per our desires. I noted, however, that as much as I wanted whiskey, it remained something non-alcoholic such as tea or coffee. I think there was a point to that but the thought of asking about it really got crushed by the weight of everything else we discussed. We talked about my anxiety and my bipolar. We talked about my schizophrenic symptoms, the medications, and my fears surrounding that. I found myself frequently sobbing with pain and shame.
There was much anger. It was, however, crystal clear that it was not directed at me. It was instead at the ones who traumatized me and conditioned me to such an unhealthy state of mental hygiene. I kept expecting someone to give me the demand to ‘man up’ and just shake it all off. When they were caring, validating, and kind, I just became more anxious and upset. By the end of it all, I was a weeping wreck. I was sitting in Freyr’s lap as Loki held my hand. Freyja placed some kind of cloak or blanket over me, because feeling warm helps me feel safe. And Odin was rubbing my back and saying something I didn’t understand but helped me calm.
Out of that intervention (I guess that is the best way to describe it.) I got two clear things. One, the gods would never abandon me. None of them. Two, I need to fight against fear’s hold on me, as hard as I can. They all made it very clear that I am to NEVER apologize for who and what I am, to anyone ever again. They made it clear that I am loved exactly as who I am and that my injuries and illness are nothing to be ashamed of.
So, with all of this preface done, I will say it directly. I am in a polyamorous relationship. There is Beloved who is my husband and life partner on this plane. He is the rock upon which I have built my life after all of the trauma I had in the past. I adore him more than I can find words. While I can function with out him, I am not happy. I feel as though half my soul is missing when we are separated and all the world has had a grey pall cast over it.
There is Freyr who is my husband as well. He is not like Beloved. He is incorporeal and affection between us happens in more subtle ways. He challenges me in ways that I hadn’t experienced in the past. At the same time, I am becoming healthier for those challenges. His blessings in my life have been varied and wonderful. They range from small things like finding that parking space I needed to make the walk to the store less awful when my arthritic knees are hurting me to helping us have less to worry about with our bills. I love him deeply. At times, that love scares me because I feel like everything I am is going to get swept away with it. But, that was a fear that I had early on in my relationship with Beloved as well. It will pass in time.
There is Loki, who is my lover and dear friend. Best friends doesn’t describe it. It is something different that I lack the proper words to describe it. As like Freyr, he is incorporeal and affection happens in subtle ways between us. Oh how does he push me. Loki has been around longer than Freyr. Loki knows where all the proverbial bodies are stashed and what buttons to push to get a response from me. It makes for him being very skilled in challenging me to change myself to a healthier person. I will also confess, it makes the D/s thing between him and I very intense.
Freyr and Loki are not jealous of each other or jealous of Beloved. Beloved doesn’t worry about the gods. He’s seen how being involved with them has helped me and that is all he really cares about. He wants to see me happy and healthy. Freyr and Loki also have the same goals. The three of them approach it in different ways. But, the support I have from them is rock solid and it helps me cope with all the problems that come from my being disabled, among the run of the mill challenges of life.
People who are going to hate on Loki, I am going to be inclined to delete your comments if you manage to offend me. I get that people not all have good relationships with him. I get that he is not a ‘good’ deity all the time. He is complex and he is chaos. Chaos can be terrifying. (And I’ve had moments where he has terrified me on purpose.) I don’t have false expectations of sunshine, roses, and puppies for Loki. I expect him to be unpredictable, strange, and walking chaos. It is who he is. And I love him for it. If it weren’t for chaos, the universe would go cold and everything would cease to exist.
People who are going to hate on spiritworkers and godspouses are going to have their comments deleted. I am going to take those as personal attacks and I am not going to tolerate it. This is *my* space. I am ruthless about how I defend it. If you really want to see what it’s like to cross me, you can try. I promise you, you will not enjoy the results.