Fallow Times

It has been a long and challenging week. As I have struggled with my illness and the attendant difficulties, I found myself feeling estranged from Dea. It has been a trying time for the last six months. I have not heard Her voice nor felt Her presence since late August. At another point in my life, I would have given myself over to despair that She had rejected me.

As I have been attempting with all my heart to write this book of meditations, I have come to a realization that She did not leave me or abandoned me in any fashion. It is, however, a curious sense of absence that comes with Her choosing to be quiet. Her silence has been perhaps most difficult to bear as I have been working on this book.

I recognize, however, that there come periods of time in a mystic’s life where Deity becomes quiet. It is not an absolute silence, for I still have interactions with the other gods I follow. For that I am thankful, but I feel this silence most keenly right now. I still call out for Her and yearn for Her presence. These times of silence, however long they might be, are not times of abandonment. They are times where I am to rest from being in the presence of Deity and to practice discipline.

I do not think the timing of this silence is coincidental. My depression started getting worse not long after this began. I have not had more then mere moments of happiness over the last several months because of my illness. It is a painful thing to endure on top of this silence from Dea. I refuse, however, to give up hope that She will speak again.

I will continue to pray and meditate upon Her. I will continue to give up offerings and compose hymns in Her honor. It would be an abandonment of Her on my part to meet this time of fallow silence with a failure to keep faith in Her. I refuse to allow the idea that Dea has turned away from me take root in my mind, even at my deepest days of depression. She is always with me, even when I can not hear Her voice or feel Her presence. I know this to be true and resolve to move forward with faith. For all things can be conquered with courage and faith.

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