Yes, I have and on a fairly regular basis. My disabilities get in the way of my devotional activities so much that I have times where I am tempted to just give up. I am thankful that the gods are patient with me. I have learned to negotiate time frames that are more friendly to what I am able to do. Sometimes, however, I find that I just can’t do what I’ve agreed to.
It is a horrible, sickening feeling to fail. It has, on occasion, spawned a depressive episode or deepened on that I was in. I am careful not to promise more then what I can accomplish, but sometimes I over estimate what I can do. So far, the number of incidents where I have done that have been few and the one who has been hardest on me for the screw up has been myself. (It is a very odd experience to have a deity that you’ve just let down telling you to stop being so hard on yourself.)
What role does mystery play in your tradition?
There are so many things that can fall under the descriptor of ‘mystery’ that I’ve sort of lost count. The dichotomy of having a semi-monotheistic deity and a (seemingly) laundry list of deities from another pantheon in my life is one huge mystery right there. I can’t say that the monotheists who follow my Lady are wrong but I can not say that the polytheists are wrong. One of the central tenants of my personal experience is that all gods are valid. How does that work? I have no flipping idea. But, everything I’ve experienced and seen points to that.
Within that context, I have the mysteries of Filianism to consider. Dea is three persons and one god. It is much like the trinitarian beliefs of Christianity. (With some obvious differences, like the deity in question is female, and some less obvious ones.) The angelic beings (also known as janyati) are not only eminations of Dea’s presence but masks that she might wear to communicate with us. For this reason, she is described by some as having seven aspects that correspond with the seven archangels.
Another mystery of Filianism that is in my life is that of the sacred mythos of the Daughter. Because of the distance between all of existence and the Mother, the Daughter is born to bridge that gap and she does so through her life, death, and resurrection. There’s a bit more to the story then that, but that is the core of it. There is no ‘original sin’ within this faith system, but rather a spiraling path that moves outward from the Dea and then back towards her, by way of the Daughter.
Outside of the mysteries of Filianism and the seemingly paradoxical faith in both a monotheistic faith system and a polytheistic one, there is Schrodinger’s Loki (and Baldur, Hod, and various others). Loki is both bound and free. Baldur is both alive and in Hela’s hall. The list goes on. Now, some may ask, what of Ragnarok? Well, it is yet to come, happening, and already happened all at the same time. It’s part of that whole ‘everything is true’ with respect to religion thing.
I don’t know how it works. So far, the gods have given me no indication that I am incorrect in this understanding. I’m pretty sure that they’ll reveal to me what I need to know as time progresses. Gods are within and outside of time. That is a mystery. As a being that is bound by time, I have no possible way of comprehending things like what a god’s perspective on the world is. It’s like trying to see in three dimensions when we only have the capacity to see in two.